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My grandma always said, ‘God gives us just enough — never too much and never too little.’ She was right. That short time I knew you was just long enough for me to know someone loved me. I think that was the thing that changed me most of all. Knowing that someone had unconditional love for me. And that was what made me finally able to let go and love myself. Sometimes at night I think about the night you died. I cry every time I remember the look on the nurses face, when I knew the end was near. She came in and pulled away the tubes. Then the doctor came, and they turned off your life support. I closed my eyes as I heard the rhythmic sound of your heart monitor shift to a single sharp note. I still hear that in my head sometimes when I close my eyes. I don’t think it’ll ever go away. But what I’ll remember even more is what happened just before all of that. They stepped out of the room to let me say goodbye. I ran my fingers through your thin hair and choked out words that I had. Yes I am the one who had two half brothers who never got punished, while I could expect a spanking for just about anything. Well the events described in that letter are pretty accurate. But as humiliating as the circumstances sound, let me tell you that by the time I was 15, things had gotten much worse. At that point my father was traveling and rarely around which meant that my step-mother had a much freer hand in dealing with us kids. That meant little for my two half brothers. They were still rarely disciplined and never spanked as I was. But the circumstances of my punishment had become much more humiliating. Indeed, I believe they were deliberately designed for that purpose. For one thing, the spankings were much less private. The discipline scenario had been moved from the privacy of my own or my parents' bedroom and into the living room. In practice this meant that while the boys were not specifically invited to watch me being punished, they were free to enter the living.
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